Strictly for entertainment value, I find a quick review of the latest conspiracy theories can be a great source for a chuckle. I don’t like to say these ideas are “crazy” per se. Perhaps another term like “nutty as a fruitcake” or “screwball” better describes them. The following theories came to me from a relative of mine. Sadly, I’m not kidding (i.e., you can’t choose your relatives):
“The government will change in August.” Well, that was a quick four years! As it was described to me, our entire elections process will soon become null and void, with a new August administration being, I don’t know... appointed? Anointed? Something like that. Okay, let’s move on to theory number two:
“All home mortgages will be forgiven by the new August administration.” Boy oh boy. Kind of makes me wish I’d bought a bigger house! Maybe it’s not too late to add on a pool and tennis court. You know, if it’s all going to be forgiven anyway, why not? I wonder if this mortgage forgiveness will apply to second homes, too? Or third. Just to elevate this concept one step further is the following addition:
“All personal debt of any kind will be forgiven by the new August administration.” Holy frijole! Now I can finally get that Porsche 911 convertible I’ve always wanted. Thanks, new August administration! And if it’s debt that will be forgiven, why in the world would anyone pay cash for anything ever again? Speaking of cash, that brings us to our next insane item:
“A new currency will be introduced to replace the current U.S. Dollar.” Now to be fair, this same rumor was pretty rampant about ten years ago and it is being rehashed. The difference between then and now is that ten years ago, it was a bad thing. I mean, B-A-D bad. But for some reason, this time it is being presented as a good thing. Go figure. Will the new currency use coins or only paper? The penny was already on the chopping block. I wonder who to talk with about getting my face on one of the new dollar bills. The devil is in these little details.
“COVID Vaccine shots were just a way for the government to plant trackers into us.” As it was explained to me, you can tell this is so because they have turned your arm magnetic. If true, vaccinated people have a new place to hang their car keys. You will never lose them again. Yep, I’m always looking on the bright side.
Every now and then, I like to gamble. My usual game of choice is craps. But given the nature of these dubious predictions that I’ve heard lately, I’m willing to make this offer. I am willing to bet that none of these things will come to pass by, let’s say, the end of this year. If anyone truly believes in any of these theories, how about putting some money behind it and making a friendly wager? You could help contribute to my retirement fund. Plus, if I lose the bet, the money I use to pay off the debt will be forgiven by the new August administration. Sounds like a winwin to me!
Speaking of debt, I remember when I was so broke I couldn’t pay the electric bill. Those were certainly some of the darkest days of my life.
Johnny McNally is Grimes County’s Best Dressed Businessman advocating for Grimes County and writes a bi-weekly column for the Navasota Examiner.